...as published on OCTOBER THE 9, 1994!
Any mage worth his weight in cursed goldroot has had to contend with a fair number of trolls in his supernaturally extended lifetime. Every object summoning (especially from Plane VII, which is rife with rodents and thus carries over their smell) will attract the naturally well-attuned noses of pestersome trollkind. Typically, blasting them full of foul dumpster magicks will do the trick to explode your unfortunate, ugly subject into visceral confettis and simultaneously scare off whatever is left of their gaggle. However, due to the overprescription of White Magic in use against trolls and troll-adjacent populations, they have become resistant to practically all forms of expense-free magicks.
This is always going to be the concern when using White Magic, but, unfortunately, fresh acolytes that begin their practice on “The FaceBook” are often led astray by accounts imitating popular Mages and Warlocks in a half-hearted attempt to hock their bogey ingredients, casting manuals, and – Jesus B. Christ Forbid! – their damned “Prestidigitation in Seven Days”-type online courses. It is far easier to get instant results using White Magic, regardless of the lack of safeguards that lead to situations like this. But, we as Wiz(s)ards should not concern ourselves with the past, except to learn from it. We must adapt to the future, and that means circumventing the masses of warty fuckheads coagulating before our iron-rod gates.
As you will be informed time and time again, the first step in getting rid of trolls is NOT GETTING THEM AT ALL! Prevention, prevention, prevention. Attitudes have changed in recent years regarding whether or not it reflects poorly on a mage to be attacked by trolls often; modern casters are more likely to have increased summoning loads due to the proliferation of cast-jacking (another issue altogether), so the taboo has naturally been mostly disposed of, with only minor exceptions found primarily in haughtier, ancient orders. Irrespective of your local magical cultural climate, preventing trolls is widely accepted to be the point of primary focus for pest control.
One of the most effective prevention methods I’ve used (in conjunction with the other mages in my zip code) has been the creation of a RAT LAIR. This consists of a few different components that you must construct immensely carefully, lest you
(A) draw increased troll attention to yourself or your neighbors (dickwipe move)
(B) cause a massive rat infestation (dickwipe move)
First, either through constructive or magical means, you should construct a hole that is 25ft across at all apexes and roughly two-hundred feet deep. Ensure that there are no holes in the limestone construction, or else rats may end up escaping and causing trouble for the local area.
Next, gather a collection of half-male, half-female rats of a large enough quantity to cause trolls to be able to smell them from both two hundred feet up and several miles away. (I’ve found that 250 have done the trick, although you are welcome to experiment with fewer numbers - I sure as hell won’t.) The rats should be enclosed in a cylindrical tube that is twenty feet above the bottom of your hole and follows the circumference of the perimeters and importantly has no ceiling. I recommend casting even a weak BYPASS FIELD in this opening, as rats would not be able to easily circumvent it the way that larger animals might.
When I received the instructions to this technique, all that the rats received was a lasting fiber-ball for food (summonable from A105 W.2, Plane II in the Sourceing Summons guide, Fall 2011) and a basic horizontal well. Obviously, this is inhumane. I advise that you equip them with recreational wheels, illusions, varied food sources, and chewing implements, at the very least. These can be stored either in the tunnel or in auxiliary tunnels that jut into the limestone (although please ensure you use sturdy building materials to prevent them slipping through the cracks).
At the bottom of the lair, on the limestone floor, cast a waste disposal spell (I would advise to use Trimmonius the Elder’s version and to have it transport at least once a week, to prevent the spread of disease). Now, how it works should be pretty obvious. The trolls will be attracted to the smell of the interminable mass of rodents, wander into the hole due to their poor vision, and tumble down your death trap at Mach Fuckall, hitting the ground at a velocity bananas enough to actually harm them. They’re not gonna splatter, obviously, but I’ve never seen a troll survive a two-hundred foot fall. Even if they did, the rats are way out of reach and the transportation through Lower Realm during the waste disposal spell would mostly, to put it nicely, “disincorporate” them, anyways.
Well there you have it lol my excellent troll disposal technique. Now you can transport your Maiden Mags in stupid big quantities